Hope

People (myself included) often question and wonder where God is in times of tragedy. Sometimes He shows us, He's right in the middle of it.

Marysville Pilchuck High School - the day after devastation

Hug Your Kids

We had a tragic event in our community today. A school shooting at the high school that Travis' middle school feeds into. The students directly involved on both sides of the scenario were football players on Travis' team last year. It is scary. It is confusing. It is too close to home. There are no words to explain how we are feeling right now. We are in shock and I think we will be for quite a while. One thing I do know, when our girls come home today from school safely, I'll put my arms around them and hold them extra tight. Hug your kids . . . you never know what tomorrow holds.

October Day Book

Outside my window...  

As Pooh Bear would say,its a blustery day. The rain is pouring, the leaves are falling, the wind is blowing and I love it. The extra warm incredible summer we had was a nice treat but I am a Washington girl through and through and I love me some fall.

I am thankful for..
A prednisone support group I found online. As big and incredible and loving my friends and family cheering team is, it is incredible to have found a group of people dealing with EXACTLY the same side effects and EXACTLY the same level of frustration with amounts of doctors appointments and EXACTLY the same difficulty attempting to taper off this ridiculous drug. I have found myself laughing, crying, learning and offering experience to this giant network of people.

I am thinking about...
Continuing to build relationships with my daughters. As they grow and change into new phases and interests and hobbies and activities, I think it's crucial that I grow and change with them. It's not always easy and takes a lot of work but I want a close relationship in which they feel like they can come to me with anything big or small and someday grow into friendships that last a lifetime. For the time being, I need to continue to evolve my parenting style that molds and shapes them into healthy, happy, polite, young ladies that are pleasant to be around. And I need to remember to take time out from parenting just to play with them - Haley and I had a pretty rousing game of Disney Princess Monopoly last night and it was truly a joy to listen to her chat about her day and giggle as she kicked my booty!

Learning all the time...

What's important. I'm being reminded from every which direction that I have no control over lots of things I wish I could control. I do have control, however, of how much I allow those things to control me. I am learning to choose to focus and put my attention on those things that are important . . . relationships with my husband, my kids, my family, my friends . . . and that those things don't look the same as they used to. I can't go to Zumba any more . . . I can't work any more . . . I can't walk my kids to school any more . . . but I can wallow and focus on that all day (and trust me I have!) or I can choose to focus on the fact that I am home and not in the hospital and I have two healthy kids that I can play games with and read books with and watch movies with and a husband that has stood by my side in greater support than I could have ever imagined 13 years ago when we said I do and I have a group of friends that will come during the day carrying Thai food for an "in house" lunch date when I'm going a bit stir crazy but it's to tough to go out that day and a sister that sends me the cutest pictures in the universe of my nephew that make me smile and remind me whats important . . . those people that are there healthy or sick . . . and could care less if I was going to Zumba or walking to school or going to work . . . now I need to give myself that same grace and enjoy this crazy life. 

From the kitchen...

Butternut squash soup in the crock-pot. It's a family favorite and officially means fall has arrived! 

I am creating . . .
Piles of folded laundry for my family to carry upstairs and put away. Call me crazy but I love doing laundry. There is something about taking a giant heap of dirty unorganized clothes and in a few hours turning them into lovely stacks of fresh smelling goodness. OCD much anyone?

I am working on...
Inputting Travis grades for him. He is an amazing teacher and does a ton of work. If I can lighten the load a little by mindlessly putting numbers into boxes, I'm happy to.

I am going...

To pick up my middle schooler and her friend after school. Wednesday night is youth group night. Yes - I have a child old enough for youth group now?! I love picking them up after school because the stories of the day start pouring out immediately. A few things you must know about communicating with a middle schooler in case you don't have one yet . . . they talk really loud, they talk really fast, and don't try to ask a question or make a comment or you'll totally throw them off track requiring a complete retelling of an already very long and drawn out story with way to many details. Just listen. You'll be amazed what you'll learn!

I am hoping...

For new ideas from a pulmonary specialist. Next week I am headed down to Seattle to see a new doctor that specializes in a three part surgery/procedure that has shown a lot of success in severe asthmatics. Although I have to be at a very low dosage of prednisone to qualify, we're hopeful that maybe with her experience with patients as tricky as me, she'll have some new insight for us. It can't hurt to try.  

I am reading...
Lots and lots and lots. I seem to go in phases. I'm always reading something but there are times when I speed up and read through stacks of books. It must be the weather. Big blanket on my lap, cozy rocking chair with a view out the window of the changing leaves, a warm cup of coffee with Pumpkin Spice creamer, a book . . . bliss.

I am hearing...
The nebulizer. Yup. I said it. And it stinks. I picked up a respiratory infection that we tried to treat with three rounds of antibiotics but unfortunately it continued to pick up speed and dropped further in my lungs requiring an increase in prednisone again. It was one of the most discouraging, frustrating weeks I've had in a very long time. I worked 22 long hard weeks to taper myself down to 30mg . . . the lowest I've been in 9 months . . . only to be told I have to go back to 60 starting all over again from the beginning. If all goes exactly as hoped, I'm looking at 24 weeks to go to get back down to 30 again ultimately hoping to get to zero. This is one exhausting journey I don't understand. I'm thankful for this drug that allow me to breathe . . . but man I hate it!!!

Around the house...

Fall decorations. Although we don't have as many as we do for Christmas, we have some cute pumpkins and corn stalks and crafts the girls have made through the years that just make our home that much cozier. 

One of my favorite things...

Holiday flavored creamers. I love the Pumpkin Spice and I love the Peppermint Mocha and I think it's for the celebration of the holiday as much as the yummy flavor. 

Here are some picture thoughts I am sharing with you...

We had some visitors in our backyard . . . a mommy and a baby racoon were walking around on the girls play set, the back of our fence and the neighbors roof. Haley wanted to get close but we reminded her of the part in "Elf" when he tried to give the racoon a hug . . . enough said.

This weekend Travis, the kids, and our incredible cousin Mandi went to the pumpkin patch and picked out the yearly pumpkins. They came home and we all carved out our masterpieces. Haley went with Doc McStuffins, Hannah cut out Yoda, Mandi somehow captured Ilsa in perfect likeness, I gave a sarcastic nod to my dear friend Asthma and Travis managed to create a pumpkin eating a pumpkin. We had a ton of fun and our porch looks awesome!!

Here's wishing you an afternoon of a warm blanket, a cozy chair, a steaming cup of coffee, and book. Happy Fall Y'all.

Fall Frenzy

Fall has begun. And my head is spinning. We have now turned the page to enter a huge new chapter in our family life. Hannah started Middle School.

This means so many things. It means we have to wake up at 6:30am. It means I have to make 4 trips back and forth to take and pick up kiddos instead of 2. It means we had to learn how to use a locker . . . and memorize a schedule . . . and change into a PE uniform . . . and haul a band instrument back and forth from school to home . . . and watch my sweet little baby girl enter a building full of kids that don't look so little. A friend sent me this blog post from Momastery that couldn't have nailed this transition any better . . . (grab some tissues . . . you've been warned)

Watching Him Walk Away is Like Looking Right at the Sun

I just dropped Chase off at middle school. MIDDLE SCHOOL.

Like I’ve been doing for three weeks now- I let him out of the car. I let him walk away from me and toward that huge building filled with PEOPLE AND DYNAMICS AND IDEAS and other horrible wonderful things that will break his heart and MAKE his heart and that I have no business trying to control. I let him walk toward a life that is HIS and not mine. Toward experiences that he is meant to have without me. Toward journeys he has to take alone.

Someone needs to create a word that describes what happens inside of a mama’s heart as she’s watching her child walk into a school building. We need a word for the feeling that overtakes her after saying goodbye to her infant who is somehow masquerading as a young MAN and who is walking away from her into his adolescent life. A word to describe the phenomena that is a mother sitting helplessly in her empty van while her heart silent screams her daily PLEASEPLEASEPLEASES!!! PLEASE be good to him Please see his strengths and overlook his weaknesses Please sit by him at lunch. Please smile back when he smiles. Please want to be his partner. Please be gentle. Pleasepleaseplease.PLEASE.

And how as she watches him walk away- toward the unknown of his day and away from the KNOWN of her (SO BRAVE! HOW DID HE GET SO BRAVE??? IS THIS LEVEL OF INSANE BRAVENESS EVEN WISE????) her head understands that the world is unfolding as it should. Her head KNOWS that all is well. That he is beginning his LIFE and that LIFE in all its bruty is what he came here for. And that he is ready. But her heart will not receive that memo. Her heart wants to run after him and pull him close and say: JUST JOKING HONEY! WE MADE A MISTAKE! THIS IS TOO MUCH! Come home and we will stay together forever and I will make sure that life NEVER HAPPENS TO YOU. Don’t worry. We will snuggle forever. Because I am not ready.

So she just sits in her empty van for a moment- holding up the car line for a split second too long. Her body is temporarily paralyzed, short circuited by the opposing messages from her head and her heart. The mixed messages SWARM her being and all at once she feels pride and fear and terror and excitement and hope and hopelessness and tenderness and ferocity and loss and gain. All these emotions swirl until her heart becomes so swollen that it threatens to escape out of her throat into tears and so she instructs herself to snap out of it. She shakes herself a bit. She breathes deeply and shrugs it all off and she drives away. And on her way home she tries to restore her heart to its original size by thinking of other things. Practical things. Because it’s all too much. Whatever that feeling is- it’s a lot like looking right at the sun. It’s simply too bright to stand for longer than a moment.

Is it love? Is the word love? Damn. Love wins but love hurts.

Tears right? I told you. Remember that manual we got when we had these little babies handed to us that told us just how hard this journey would be? Me neither. 

My little bug started third grade this year.

 

This means she moved upstairs. She's no longer in the younger half of elementary school. Only two more first days of school after this year before I send my baby to Middle School? Are you kidding me? It's almost too much . . . almost. And then I smile as I listen to the tales of the school day told through their eyes . . . and I laugh when they tell me jokes that are actually funny now . . . and I enjoy playing games that are actually fun for adults (Candy Land can only entertain so long) . . . and I look back a little wistful . . . forward a little overwhelmed . . . but smack dab ok right in this moment . . . cause no matter how crazy this life is, it's ours.

So she just sits in her empty van for a moment- holding up the car line for a split second too long. Her body is temporarily paralyzed, short circuited by the opposing messages from her head and her heart. The mixed messages SWARM her being and all at once she feels pride and fear and terror and excitement and hope and hopelessness and tenderness and ferocity and loss and gain. All these emotions swirl until her heart becomes so swollen that it threatens to escape out of her throat into tears and so she instructs herself to snap out of it. She shakes herself a bit. She breathes deeply and shrugs it all off and she drives away. And on her way home she tries to restore her heart to its original size by thinking of other things. Practical things. Because it’s all too much. Whatever that feeling is- it’s a lot like looking right at the sun. It’s simply too bright to stand for longer than a moment.

Is it love? Is the word love? Damn. Love wins but love hurts.

- See more at: http://momastery.com/blog/2014/09/10/watching-him-walk-away/#sthash.O7dOVGKh.dpuf

My other little lady started 3rd grade this year. 

just dropped Chase off at middle school. MIDDLE SCHOOL.

Like I’ve been doing for three weeks now- I let him out of the car. I let him walk away from me and toward that huge building filled with PEOPLE AND DYNAMICS AND IDEAS and other horrible wonderful things that will break his heart and MAKE his heart and that I have no business trying to control. I let him walk toward a life that is HIS and not mine. Toward experiences that he is meant to have without me. Toward journeys he has to take alone.

Someone needs to create a word that describes what happens inside of a mama’s heart as she’s watching her child walk into a school building. We need a word for the feeling that overtakes her after saying goodbye to her infant who is somehow masquerading as a young MAN and who is walking away from her into his adolescent life. A word to describe the phenomena that is a mother sitting helplessly in her empty van while her heart silent screams her daily PLEASEPLEASEPLEASES!!! PLEASE be good to him Please see his strengths and overlook his weaknesses Please sit by him at lunch. Please smile back when he smiles. Please want to be his partner. Please be gentle. Pleasepleaseplease.PLEASE.

And how as she watches him walk away- toward the unknown of his day and away from the KNOWN of her (SO BRAVE! HOW DID HE GET SO BRAVE??? IS THIS LEVEL OF INSANE BRAVENESS EVEN WISE????) her head understands that the world is unfolding as it should. Her head KNOWS that all is well. That he is beginning his LIFE and that LIFE in all its bruty is what he came here for. And that he is ready. But her heart will not receive that memo. Her heart wants to run after him and pull him close and say: JUST JOKING HONEY! WE MADE A MISTAKE! THIS IS TOO MUCH! Come home and we will stay together forever and I will make sure that life NEVER HAPPENS TO YOU. Don’t worry. We will snuggle forever. Because I am not ready.

So she just sits in her empty van for a moment- holding up the car line for a split second too long. Her body is temporarily paralyzed, short circuited by the opposing messages from her head and her heart. The mixed messages SWARM her being and all at once she feels pride and fear and terror and excitement and hope and hopelessness and tenderness and ferocity and loss and gain. All these emotions swirl until her heart becomes so swollen that it threatens to escape out of her throat into tears and so she instructs herself to snap out of it. She shakes herself a bit. She breathes deeply and shrugs it all off and she drives away. And on her way home she tries to restore her heart to its original size by thinking of other things. Practical things. Because it’s all too much. Whatever that feeling is- it’s a lot like looking right at the sun. It’s simply too bright to stand for longer than a moment.

Is it love? Is the word love? Damn. Love wins but love hurts.

- See more at: http://momastery.com/blog/2014/09/10/watching-him-walk-away/#sthash.U3pI9yuW.dpuf

I just dropped Chase off at middle school. MIDDLE SCHOOL.

Like I’ve been doing for three weeks now- I let him out of the car. I let him walk away from me and toward that huge building filled with PEOPLE AND DYNAMICS AND IDEAS and other horrible wonderful things that will break his heart and MAKE his heart and that I have no business trying to control. I let him walk toward a life that is HIS and not mine. Toward experiences that he is meant to have without me. Toward journeys he has to take alone.

Someone needs to create a word that describes what happens inside of a mama’s heart as she’s watching her child walk into a school building. We need a word for the feeling that overtakes her after saying goodbye to her infant who is somehow masquerading as a young MAN and who is walking away from her into his adolescent life. A word to describe the phenomena that is a mother sitting helplessly in her empty van while her heart silent screams her daily PLEASEPLEASEPLEASES!!! PLEASE be good to him Please see his strengths and overlook his weaknesses Please sit by him at lunch. Please smile back when he smiles. Please want to be his partner. Please be gentle. Pleasepleaseplease.PLEASE.

And how as she watches him walk away- toward the unknown of his day and away from the KNOWN of her (SO BRAVE! HOW DID HE GET SO BRAVE??? IS THIS LEVEL OF INSANE BRAVENESS EVEN WISE????) her head understands that the world is unfolding as it should. Her head KNOWS that all is well. That he is beginning his LIFE and that LIFE in all its bruty is what he came here for. And that he is ready. But her heart will not receive that memo. Her heart wants to run after him and pull him close and say: JUST JOKING HONEY! WE MADE A MISTAKE! THIS IS TOO MUCH! Come home and we will stay together forever and I will make sure that life NEVER HAPPENS TO YOU. Don’t worry. We will snuggle forever. Because I am not ready.

So she just sits in her empty van for a moment- holding up the car line for a split second too long. Her body is temporarily paralyzed, short circuited by the opposing messages from her head and her heart. The mixed messages SWARM her being and all at once she feels pride and fear and terror and excitement and hope and hopelessness and tenderness and ferocity and loss and gain. All these emotions swirl until her heart becomes so swollen that it threatens to escape out of her throat into tears and so she instructs herself to snap out of it. She shakes herself a bit. She breathes deeply and shrugs it all off and she drives away. And on her way home she tries to restore her heart to its original size by thinking of other things. Practical things. Because it’s all too much. Whatever that feeling is- it’s a lot like looking right at the sun. It’s simply too bright to stand for longer than a moment.

Is it love? Is the word love? Damn. Love wins but love hurts.

- See more at: http://momastery.com/blog/2014/09/10/watching-him-walk-away/#sthash.U3pI9yuW.dpuf