For the last few weeks I have worked tirelessly to keep myself distracted while I sit here and do nothing except focus on breathing. I have watched scores of movies and TV shows, crocheted copious amounts of blankets, hats, scarves, bed runners, skirts, even a sweater for my grandma, blown through books of crossword puzzles and Sudoku, played games on the I-Pad, even found the magical world of pod-casts and audiobooks.
Last night, I hit a wall. I was bored. Of everything. I didn't want to watch one more movie, do one more project, do one more puzzle or even listen to one more book. I was done. And I began to think . . . the whole reason why I have kept myself distracted . . . so I wouldn't think. Anyway, I began to think and what I realized was, I haven't been nourishing my soul at all. I've been attempting to feed my lungs with breathing treatments and I'd finally found a way to "read" books and feed my mind but my soul was getting weary. I decided that in the morning, I would pick up some "soul" feeding books. I have a new book called "Seven Sacred Pauses" that goes over praying through the hours. I have a few bible studies. I have some other encouraging things that would fill my heart and I needed to tap into that area that was getting very drained and feeling very empty.
This morning, my fabulous friend and current Marsh-Girl-Carpooler came to pick up my kiddos and popped into my room to say hi. She said she didn't know why she was thinking about it but she loved listening to sermons online - especially ones from "The Village Church" preached by Matt Chandler. She said it in passing and away she went. It was not a coincidence (as God's sovereignty never is). It was exactly what I was needing to do today. It was a very attainable way to begin to fill the gap in my soul . . . so filling I am doing . . . and it is feeling good. I am able to step back a little bit today and ponder. I am able to renew the depleted resources that have slowly began to fill with anger and frustration and irritation and disappointment which are fine in small short doses but eventually lead to apathy and a defeatist attitude which will not bode well to this healing process my body is undergoing.
Toby Mac posted a quote on Facebook. He said, "It's ok not to be ok . . . but only for a little while." I was beginning to pass the point of a little while. I will go back to distraction . . . probably tomorrow . . . because the days can be sooo long with nothing to do but neb every 3 hours. But today, I will refill the near empty gas tank with some powerful fuel. God is good - even when it doesn't feel that way. And we need to be reminded that He works all things for good - even when we don't get it. He never promises anywhere in His word that we will be healthy and wealthy and happy - but He does promise scores of times that we will never be alone. He is always with us - whether or not we chose to notice. Today, I'm choosing to notice. Today, I'm going to embrace this time of unhealthiness by taking advantage of the time to listen to some wisdom, adjust my attitude, and be ok again. Because there is always a choice. I can't control so many things right now. And I can't put a band-aid on the areas that hurt physically . . . but I can put a big old band-aid on my heart and my mind and work on health for the rest of the body. Here's to a day of distraction from the distractions.