Acceptance

I went to my pulmonologist today for a follow up appointment from the hospital . . . she still heard a wheeze in my lungs which is rare for me and she wasn't to happy with . . . yet had no reason or solution. Her thought is that after such a long hard exaserbation, my lungs are flat worn out and will take a while to recover.

The game begins again of attempting to taper prednisone as much as possible without creating another flare . . . I had gotten down to 6mg prior to this flare and am now back up to 60mg. It's a slow-as-molasses process that is two steps forward and one step back with the hope of getting as low as possible to lessen the side effects and allowing it to become an effective medication when needed for another flare. I am also only three days away from completing the mega-series of antibiotics from the hospital. This can also be a precarious process as I am prone to infection and sickness with a weakened immune system.

After discussing all these processes to come in the following weeks I asked her the million dollar question point blank . . . "Is this it for me?" . . . I have been scoped, scanned, and screened . . . I have had a surgery . . . I have tried various types of medications and vitamins . . . I have traveled to another state in hopes of a new idea . . . and I had to ask . . . is this it?!

She quieted down and said, "I'm sorry - it looks like this is it." She said that sometimes this form of severe asthma can disappear for no reason as quickly as it came in someone's 40's or 50's . . . a nice conolation considering the fact that I just turned 30 . . . chirp chirp chirp . . . this is the part where I should have something uplifting to say . . . some Pollyanna quip about how we'll get through it (which don't get me wrong - we will - if I'm not one thing for sure, it's a quitter) . . . but right now I just want to let this soak in.

I need to come to a place of acceptance now . . . I need to realize that there are no other ideas to try, diagnosis to find, places to go . . . this is it. There will inevitably be good days in this process but this is a process full of asthma . . . an up and down journey of flares and management with the occasional hospital stays mixed in.

I want to clarify that I'm not giving up . . . I will still take my medicine everyday, avoid major triggers as much as possible and continue visiting the best doctors I've found for my condition . . . acceptance is not the same as resignation . . . resignation is an unresisting attitude - a once-and-for-all statement of throwing your hands in the air . . . but acceptance . . . an important step I think in moving forward - stop fighting for a change and learn to live the best full life I have with what I've got . . .

And what I've got is an incredibly supportive loving doting husband, two beautiful active healthy busy girls, a mom, dad, sister and in laws who are on this bumpy wagon with us, a bushel full of friends who make me laugh, listen to me cry and love me either way, and a God who is bigger than any diagnosis, bag full of medication, rainy day or crummy attitude. . . and none of that is Pollyanna but the truth - the solid rock on which I stand.

Acceptance . . . not there yet . . . but heading in that direction . . .