I'm finding myself sitting here week three of this asthmatic episode/flare/attack/crisis/drama feeling more and more crummy and it's super easy for me to write a million complaints right now. I've decided it might be a good idea to instead start listing good things.
1. Two babies - that were much prayed for - arrived into this world healthy and thriving. That could be the end of the post. That should be enough to fill a million lists of good things. Perspective.
2. Mommy Mail - I've tried starting a conversation journal with Hannah a few times and it just hasn't stuck. For whatever reason, now it's stuck and we've started writing back and forth in this little sparkly blue notebook. She draws me little pictures and asks me questions about when I was a kid or what I think about a particular thing and I respond in my shaky as all get out handwriting and back and forth it goes. I'm excited to start this trend and I hope will last allowing her to ask or share things she may not want to in person. Or at the very least, have a place to draw silly things to give her mom!
3. Crochet - I swear to you I would lose my ever loving mind without it. Because of all the breathing treatments and medicine, my hands shake like I have Parkinson's disease - and I don't mean that disrespectfully. For whatever reason, crochet steadies my hands . . . or at least gives me the illusion of steadying my hands. It's also extremely rewarding to be "accomplishing" something while I sit. Please feel free to drop off yarn and project requests . . .
4. A very hands on Dad for my girls - Hannah is beginning middle school next year (glup) and my amazing husband (who just happens to be an middle school teacher) has taken a very active role in helping to prepare her. This week, he woke her up at the time she'll have to wake up next year, took her to the little diner in town for breakfast, then took her to the school she'll be attending to see what a normal day looks like. She was soooo excited the night before to go on this 'daddy adventure' and was grateful/overwhelmed by what she saw. Travis was more than impressed by the running of the school as well as the teachers and students they came in contact with during their quick visit. It makes me teary eyed to watch the way he interacts with our daughters. From throwing the ball outside with them to sitting on the edge of the bed and listening to their ramblings from the day, I am so blessed to have a co-parent so involved.
5.This quote I found (or found me) on Facebook today:
Sometimes the best
thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. Just BREATHE, and have faith that everything
will work out for the best.
I couldn't have written anything better to encapsulate this experience if I tried. My mind is constantly running and checking oxygen sat numbers and calling doctors and taking medicine and trying to make decisions on whether or not to go to the hospital and and and . . . I need to stop and breathe and let everything fall where it may.
6. Spring - the sun is brightly shining out my bedroom window and I have a beautiful view of a big tree we have in our back yard. I can't be outside as spring ironically would send me into another flare (can you flare while you are flaring?!) but the beauty is there none the less. It helps ones spirit to look out and see light and blue sky and slow moving clouds and little blossoms starting to peek up from the ground and the lone rhubarb plant turning red preparing to be eaten by my bare footed little girls running around. I love that I can see the big new ball they got pop up over the deck every so often as they pass it back and forth. I could choose to look wistfully or look joyfully - for this second, I will choose joy.
7. Great friends who write funny emails - I love to laugh. And I have a lot of friends who make me laugh. There is nothing better than checking my emails and reading something silly and sarcastic and supportive. It makes me laugh. And right now I need to laugh. So send me funny emails. The more sarcastic and self-deprecating the better!
8. Modern Medicine - This is hard to write on my list of good things because most of me hates these medicines so much. They come with such a bucket of side effects that they make my head spin (literally - that's one of the side effects!) and my extensive list only keeps on growing. I literally take 17 different medications right now. No joke. But I can write that sentence with serious frustration, irritation and anger which would get me no where or I can write that sentence with gratefulness that I have these medications that allow me to breathe. Yes - a lot of those meds are to combat the side effects of the other meds. Yes - it's discouraging to be 33 years old and have a morning and night pill box fuller than a granny. But yes - I am breathing and I am thankful.
9. Writing - Since I was just a kid I wrote. I had a journal, I wrote letters to my friends, I wrote stories. As I've grown up, I've continued to write. I wrote a journal while I was pregnant, I wrote down funny quotes the girls have said, I wrote stories for the girls when they were little, I write this blog to have a journal for our family to read for years to come and I have re-started a journal again. I am realizing just how therapeutic it is for me to have a place to vent my frustrations, share my feelings in such a raw way without the need to edit or process too much - just spew. I'm typing as my shaky hands are not very conducive to lots of writing but I'm finding as my fingers fly over the keyboard, I have needed an outlet for myself.
10. I want to come up with ten . . . that feels like a big number and lofty goal to look back on and pat myself on the back that I so righteously came up with ten good things. Instead, I'm gonna stick with nine good things and end on a positive. I have a million more words I could say but I'm afraid they will come out with a 'poor me' tone and the purpose of this entry was to avoid that - at least for a brief moment in time. So I will shut up. I will go back and read the nine things I was able to come up with that are truly good things. Truly life joys. Truly things worth being grateful for and drowning out the other voices trying to take over this experience. For this one moment in time, I will just BREATHE . . .